Countless articles and books have been written about how to say no. I must confess that I haven’t read any of them, because two things have come very easily to me since I was young: asking about the whys of life and saying no. Not because I am denying myself the chance to discover new things; to me, saying no means being honest with yourself and with others.
When we find it hard to say no, we overlook what we want and give priority to what others want from us; and in our need to please, we say yes to others when we really meant no. But how do you say no when you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings? I once heard a very popular saying: “You can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs.” To say no, we have to be honest with ourselves, and once we are honest with ourselves, we will be honest with others.
When we are asked to do something we don’t feel like doing, we have to pause. It doesn’t have to be an endless pause; a second is enough. During that pause, we breathe, think, weigh things up and decide. Yes, a second seems very short to fit those four actions into, but we mustn’t forget that practice makes perfect. These four actions will become automatic as we practise them, and the time it takes to carry out each one will certainly decrease.
To put this in context, here is an example: we are out partying with friends and don’t want to drink alcohol. Everyone is having a drink; it is your turn to order. Pause. BREATHE: conscious breathing (in Spanish) allows us to reduce anxiety, slow our pulse, calm down and see things more clearly. THINK: Is this really what I want to do? If the answer is yes, our algorithm stops here. If not, ask yourself: Why do the others want me to do it? Because they are doing it too, or because it is a group behaviour to follow. Once you are clear about the whys, WEIGH THINGS UP: What are the pros and cons? Once you have completed those three actions, DECIDE: At this point, if you have been able to answer the previous questions, NO will come out of your mouth very easily, without any feeling of guilt.
This is a practice we should make a habit in our lives. It makes us aware of our priorities, of the fact that we are just as important as anyone who wants to pressure us into doing their will. It also helps us remember that the most important person in our lives is on the other side of the mirror, and if we cannot make that person happy by being honest and respecting their decisions, we will hardly be able to respect other people’s decisions.
At first, the practice will feel difficult, and we will say NO the third time, then the second, and with a little persistence, we will learn to say NO the first time.