Ad Intra — Celia Coe — English

Those Who Stifle Authenticity

Sun, 19 Feb 2023 12:00:00 GMT

When it comes to brands, the original product is always much more expensive than the copy. Have you ever wondered why? Because that original product is made with the best ideas, the best materials, and the best processes. Copies will always be what they are: copies. However many millions of times they try to reproduce the original, the ideas are not their own, the processes are different, and so the final result, however closely it resembles the original, will always be a mere imitation.

The same thing happens with people. Sometimes, when we carry a great deal of emptiness and frustration, we try to imitate people and behaviors we believe are right in order to meet our need for acceptance, for belonging, for feeling part of a group. By imitating others, we are only meeting our needs temporarily, because imitation takes us away from who we really are. We are constantly searching for a model to follow because we have forgotten that being “original” means being ourselves.

Our authenticity was stifled at some point in our lives—almost always during childhood—and we are not aware of it. Those who stifle authenticity are usually very close to us: our parents, relatives, neighbors, classmates, teachers, and so on. They try to force us into the same rigid mold someone once forced them into, and it unsettles them to see someone being authentic and shining with their own light. Be careful: very few realize they have lost their authenticity. Its absence is disguised as “the way things ought to be.” They pride themselves on fitting into society and, consciously or unconsciously, try to corner you into becoming like them.

Now that you know, rebel and be yourself. Take off the mask you were made to wear. Laugh if you feel like laughing, cry if you feel like crying, dance if your body asks you to, even when your mind feels embarrassed. Let yourself feel, marvel at the simple things in life, enjoy being alive, and be an example of freedom and authenticity for others. Your authentic self is still there, asking for its space. Let it in. Let it be.

People will talk. They will criticize you because you have overcome the barriers that hold them back. Your light dazzles them; your joy bothers them. They are absorbed in the small world they inhabit behind their masks, and they will try to pull you back. Be brave and protect your joy, your hopes, and your dreams. Sooner or later, those who tried to manipulate you will want to be like you. What they do not yet know is that they will not find their authenticity where you are. They will find it within their own hearts.

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Cage We Live In

Sun, 12 Feb 2023 12:00:00 GMT

Dramatic as it may sound, we all live in a cage we have built ourselves. We have constructed every bar from the information we have received since the day we were born.

Our parents’ advice and scolding, our teachers’ reprimands, fears we have acquired or inherited, social conditioning, prejudice, bullying at school, the way we are “supposed to be”: the list would be very long if I mentioned every situation that has helped us, consciously or unconsciously, build each and every bar of our cage.

From there, from our “safe” place, “protected,” we criticize and judge everyone who thinks differently. We criticize those whose cages are open, who, though also caged, have realized they hold the key and can come and go as often as they wish. Only a few, the most daring, have decided to stay outside and never return to the repression they imposed on themselves out of fear of not fitting in.

We were not born to fit in. We were born to be ourselves. We do not need to dim our light to become part of a group living in the darkest, most secluded corners of a prison of its own making.

Make time for yourself. Sit down for a while every day, over coffee or tea, and spend a few minutes trying to recognize the bars of your cage and tear them down. If they are deeply rooted in your life, go slowly; opening the cage door is enough to begin with. Cross that barrier. There is nothing wrong with you for being different, for thinking differently, for having a different skin color, a different passport, or a different gender. Start by accepting yourself without conditions, without reservations, without fear of not fitting in. Your true self is there, waiting for you.

Accept yourself and you will be accepted; respect yourself and you will be respected; love yourself and you will be loved. You are just one step away from walking through the cage door and seeing the world without those bars standing in the way of your freedom.

“Nothing deceives us as much as our own judgment.”

Leonardo da Vinci

The Detractors

Sun, 03 Apr 2022 18:38:00 GMT

I used to think that if you did not hurt anyone, no one would hurt you. That if you helped someone, that person or someone else would return the favor at some point in your life. That if you did good, everyone would treat you well. I held on to that idea until just a couple of years ago—not only in childhood. It was only very recently that I realized how utopian my thinking was.

There is a particular kind of person I call detractors at heart, people who make a profession of discontent. You find them where you least expect them. Those furthest removed from your circle of acquaintances are the ones who will try to steal your belongings. A thief you do not know, whom you have never harmed or even seen before, will try to rob you because they want something you have and they do not.

People of this same kind—thieves not of material things but of energy, thieves of dreams—are everywhere. Some disguise themselves as relatives, friends, or coworkers. Others, with bigger egos, as bosses. And others will show you so much affection that they will even sleep beside you. They will treat you in ways you know you do not deserve, and you will still wonder what you did wrong and why you are being treated that way.

Have you ever heard that we see a reflection of ourselves in others? We see and criticize in others what we dislike about ourselves. The person who believes they see flaws in you is seeing everything they lack, and they cannot help it. They will accuse you, underestimate you, humiliate you, and feel uncomfortable in your presence, even as they boast of being at the peak of their life or career. That professional detractor will not rest until they have stolen your self-esteem, until they see you intimidated, insecure, doubting your abilities. They will feel satisfied when they see you forgetting your true worth.

Stay alert. You do not need people like that in your life. Step away from them. Set your boundaries. Keep those who enrich your life, and let go of everything that does not serve you. The light you shine will always bother them because it leaves them exposed, revealing all their emotional and professional shortcomings. To them, you are a threat—not because you have done anything against them. What bothers them is that they cannot be like you.

“The hardest thing is to know ourselves; the easiest, to speak ill of others.”

Epictetus

Set Your Own Pace

Sun, 19 Dec 2021 21:16:00 GMT

Lately, with all the technological advances we have seen and the speed at which information travels—especially on social media—we have forgotten what truly matters to us.

For example, in the past—and I am not talking about a hundred years ago—we waited at least a week to watch the next episode of our favorite series. We lived with that uncertainty, drew our own conclusions, and checked them a week later; we eagerly looked forward to the next episode and had a reward to look forward to in the longer term. Back then, being patient was a necessity.

Now we can stay glued to the screen for an entire night until we finish a series that once would have taken us months. When it is over, left with nostalgia and the unsatisfying feeling of not knowing what to do, we turn to YouTube and let the algorithm guide us. And the cycle repeats. Now we only want instant rewards, and if we do not get them, we look for something else to distract us that will provide one.

We run out of patience, forget the satisfaction of looking forward to something, and lose touch with the real energy that emotion gives us, the energy that sustains us over time. We forget what truly comforts us and let ourselves be carried along by what others—the media—think will.

Although it may seem that things are harder for us now, that is not the case. Now we have the freedom to choose, to set our own pace. Patience is no longer a necessity; it is an option. Now we are in control. We can decide how to invest our time; we are free to watch a couple of episodes of our favorite series and invest the rest of our time in ourselves or in an activity that makes us better than we were yesterday. We are free to grow at the pace we choose, rather than at the level others want for us. What are you waiting for? Will you decide the pace at which you want to live, or sit back and wait for others to decide for you?

“Sometimes it is the smallest decisions that can change your life.”

Keri Russel

The Benefits of Listening

Sun, 12 Dec 2021 20:41:00 GMT

Just because something is not in your mind does not mean it does not exist. Just because something is not in your mind does not mean it is wrong. Pause for a moment and let us try a simple exercise in brain plasticity.

How often have you heard the term brain plasticity (article in Spanish)? There is plenty of literature on the subject, as well as information online. The concept of brain plasticity “refers to the way our nervous system changes through its interaction with the environment.” But what can I do to stimulate my brain’s plasticity? One very easy exercise I practice every day to stimulate it is this: listening to others.

When we listen to others, we exercise our ability to open our minds and receive, in another person’s words, knowledge that does not yet exist in our world. As it arrives, like any new information, it often shakes our foundations and beliefs and causes such an uproar within us that we refuse to listen. And as if that were not enough, we label and judge the speaker as incoherent and ignorant. All this reveals is that the person who knows nothing about this new subject, who refuses to accept that it is possible to think differently and do the same things in another way, is on this side of the conversation. When we listen to others, we are in the present moment; we receive both verbal and nonverbal information that often clashes with our database. If we reject it, if we block it out, our database will remain incomplete and we will have one fewer tool for solving the problems we may encounter in the future.

Exercise your brain’s plasticity by listening to others, the same plasticity that has brought you to where you are today. Listen more: you will gain new tools and abilities that will help you solve problems you cannot even imagine yet.

“We have two ears and only one tongue so that we may listen more and speak less.”

DIOGENES THE CYNIC

Do Not Explain Yourself

Sun, 05 Dec 2021 18:38:00 GMT

Do not explain yourself! Those who ask you for explanations do not need them, and those who need them will not ask, because they trust you and know you will give them anyway.

People who ask you for explanations already have a preconceived idea of what they want to hear. If you do not tell them what they want to hear, their passive-aggressive—or perhaps outright aggressive—side will come out, because your “explanation” already exists in their minds, and it does not match what you are going to tell them.

Do not play their game. Explanations are only for those willing to listen. How do you know who is willing to listen? Switch on your radar and look for the people who truly care about you.

The people who care about you are not always the ones at home. Those who really do care see you with respect, love, and compassion. They are people you know you can count on without even having to ask. They are the ones who rejoice in your achievements, who go out of their way to take your mind off things when you have had a bad day, who do even what seems impossible to make you laugh. They are the people who recognize you as an essential part of their lives, people whose lives you enrich, directly or indirectly.

People who demand explanations from you are acting out of ego and fear, out of a desire to control—yes, to control your life. These people are so dissatisfied and ashamed of their own lives that they try to find any “flaw” or problem in yours to feel “less bad” about their own. They want to control your life when they cannot control their own, just to feel less miserable about the life they chose.

You decide: give them explanations, drain your energy, exhaust yourself, and become frustrated because they will reproach you and mistreat you psychologically and emotionally for anything you say, or protect your peace and take away their control over your life.

“Do not offer so many explanations: your friends do not need them, your enemies do not believe them, and fools do not understand them.”

Patience vs. Force

Sun, 21 Nov 2021 11:36:00 GMT

Most of us have tried to put on a pair of trousers after gaining a few extra pounds, and even though they feel tight, we try to get them on, even if we have to force them.

The same goes for a pair of shoes, the most beautiful we have ever seen, that go with that dress we love so much or are just right for an important outing. We put them on, even if we have to force our feet into them, and by the time we get home, our feet are killing us.

The same thing happens with people. When you meet someone and something makes you uncomfortable, though you cannot yet say what, but you decide to be with them because of your friends, their financial standing, or what people might say, you are forcing that relationship. Sooner or later it will rub you raw, just like those shoes you wore because they looked good, rather than because they fit you well.

When you are arguing with a friend or coworker who thinks differently and you try to impose your ideas just to be right, you are forcing things too. You are trying to force your idea into a mind that is not yet ready to be reshaped.

With the trousers that feel tight, forcing them on will not improve the situation; a little patience, adjusting your diet, and improving your eating habits will. Not forcing yourself into them and spending the whole day unable to breathe properly.

Going up a size in those shoes will not take away their splendor. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

It is the same with people: by listening to them and to yourself, you will realize that they are unable to see your perspective. They are not ready yet; they do not know what you know, they have not been through what you have been through, and even if they have the same level of education as you, they have not learned what you have learned. Their minds are not ready yet; they are closed, and forcing them will only meet with resistance. It is as if you were trying to pick fruit from a tree before it was ripe. Everything has its own process.

Forcing things or situations does not bring about lasting positive change. It only brings the temporary satisfaction of having got your own way and feeds your ego. The consequences will be just around the corner, leaving you to taste the bitterness of having harvested the fruit at the wrong time.

If you want to bring about lasting positive change in a situation, listen, smile, share your view, smile again, breathe, and wait a few moments. Is no one receptive? Step away. Be patient; they will come back to you when they are ready. Soon it will be their turn to see what you see. The cycle will repeat, and they will be the ones who must learn to stop forcing things.

“Patience has more power than force.”

Plutarch

Envy: Neither Feel It nor Fear It

Sun, 14 Nov 2021 19:53:00 GMT

You have often wondered: why does this person envy me so much? The answer is simple: they see your talents and virtues, but they are too lazy to make the effort to achieve what you have. They grew up with unmet emotional needs and a lack of attention, hiding their weaknesses, feeling inferior, and projecting onto others a reality they themselves cannot handle.

When people like this appear frequently in your life, I know you feel defeated and drained, but remember that they are out there seeing all your talents, even those that come so naturally to you that you have not recognized them as talents yourself. These are admirers who believe you are more than they are, who would rather live your life than their own, who envy you for what you are, have, or do, even if you think it is not much; who try to be like you and cannot. The ones who adore you in silence and express it through their frustrations.

These professional enviers know you are special, that you have something they do not. But do not let them keep you awake at night. They may not be mediocre by birth, but they are by choice: that was their decision. They have declared themselves inferior and devote themselves to counting your talents instead of their own.

Keep showing them that you can be better every day: better than you were before and better than they think you are. That is the best reward you can give yourself, the best gift you can give them.

Trust your abilities as much as your admirers do. You are special, and those who envy you know it.

“Envy is the tribute mediocrity pays to talent.”

Jackson Brown

Beyond the Fun

Sun, 24 Oct 2021 09:51:00 GMT

A few days ago, I was at a swimming pool enjoying a couple of days off when I saw two very young parents playing with their son, who was not yet two and was clearly thrilled to have recently learned to walk.

The father was playing chase with the little boy, running very close to the edge of the pool. The mother ran behind them, recording every move with the camera on her latest-generation phone.

The lifeguard warned the delighted parents a couple of times, only to be ignored. They were so excited that they remained absorbed in their fun.

I was just another onlooker, a former lifeguard with more than ten years of experience as a swimming instructor, and I could see the possible risks this lovely family was exposing themselves to.

What seemed like an innocent game came very close to becoming the tragedy of their lives.

In the blink of an eye, the little boy loses control, falls into the water, and instantly disappears from everyone’s sight. At that very moment, the father had turned to look at the mother, and for a few seconds his attention was off the child.

When he looks back and tries to focus on the little boy, he cannot find him. The father panics and jumps into the water, still fully clothed. Without stopping the recording, the mother stands frozen, filming what could have been avoided if they had taken precautions and had not ignored the warnings.

In our lives, every second is decisive. We, and no one else, are responsible for the decisions we make. If we are “distracted” and unable to see the whole picture, if we ignore the signs the universe sends us—this time, the lifeguard letting them know the risk they were taking—we must be prepared to deal with the consequences, however good or bad they may be.

Have fun, yes, but at the same time do not lose sight of the risks. There is a very fine line between fun and pain, and you alone, knowingly or not, are responsible for crossing it.

“In life there are no rewards or punishments, only consequences.”

Robert Green Ingersoll

An Elephant in a China Shop

Sun, 01 Aug 2021 10:24:00 GMT

Have you ever heard that expression? An elephant in a china shop. The first time I heard it, it puzzled me a little because I could not imagine seeing an elephant inside a shop full of glassware, but the idea kept turning over in my mind.

When I imagined the size of an elephant and the space it would take up inside a glassware shop, all I could think of was the chaos about to unfold there. I imagined broken glass everywhere, the shopkeeper with his hands on his head, unable to understand why an elephant was inside his business and unable to control the chaos it was causing as it moved around. And the elephant, absorbed in itself, oblivious to the trail of destruction it was leaving behind.

I know many two-legged elephants who leave the same chaos behind. They are not as big as an elephant, but their egos are. These human elephants in china shops trample and sweep aside everything and everyone in their path, driven by their egos, believing their version of the story is the only valid one and that they are always right.

These giants of ego, lacking empathy, break everything in their path without looking back, leaving trails of destruction and desolation. If they ever happen to look back—which very rarely occurs—they see the disaster they have left behind, but of course it will not be their fault. They will look for someone to saddle with their responsibility, because they are the biggest creatures in the animal kingdom, and anything that comes from them is always the best.

It is very easy to become an elephant in a china shop if we believe we are always right, if we always want to be right. With that attitude, we will create chaos and destruction, and when we look around, we will find ourselves alone—not because others failed to keep up with us, but because we destroyed everyone who wanted to walk alongside us.

Take a minute at the end of the day to look back on the good you have done for someone that day. If you cannot find any, you may be the one making your way through the china shop.

“In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness within you.”

Deepak Chopra

Thank Yourself

Sun, 30 May 2021 18:44:00 GMT

By nature, we tend to focus on what we have failed to do rather than on what we have achieved.

Usually, after an argument, an assignment, or an exam, we stop to think about how we could have done better. We look for the mistake and focus on it, instead of focusing on everything else we did well.

The exam, the assignment, the argument… you did the best you could at that moment. If you could have done better, you would have; you would not have held anything back for later.

Will you face the same exam in the future? Perhaps, but it will no longer be the same, and neither will you. Will you have the same argument in the future? Maybe, but it will no longer be the same, and neither will you. Today you are wiser than you were in the past, even if that past was only a few minutes ago.

Thank yourself: you do the best you can every moment of your life. At every moment, you are giving your best. Thank yourself for that.

Thank yourself every day for all the effort you put into becoming better each day. Be thankful for everything you have. Give thanks for the things you do every day and take for granted, as well as for those you make an effort to do. Thank your legs for the good work they have done today; many people do not have them. Thank your arms for the good work they have done today; many people wish they had them. Thank every cell in your body: they too are doing the best they can for you and on your behalf.

Every day before you go to sleep, thank yourself and remember all the good you did that day. If you cannot remember doing anything good, thank yourself for recognizing it. Be your own number-one fan, your most devoted follower, your own influencer.

Recognizing and appreciating all the good we do every day trains us to recognize and appreciate all the good others do.

“Gratitude is the art of painting adversity into a beautiful picture.”

Kak Sri

Reacting vs. Responding

Sun, 23 May 2021 19:22:00 GMT

What is the difference between reacting and responding? One breath.

When we react, we act on instinct. We use all our experience to judge the new situation in front of us without taking into account what is actually happening.

When we react, we let out everything we carry inside, and that is not necessarily all good. Usually, we react to a situation we consider a threat—often when it is not—simply out of reflex. We magnify the possible consequences of this seemingly threatening situation, forget that we are thinking beings, and react.

When we sense that a situation threatens our ideas, values, or beliefs, let us breathe before reacting. A single breath puts distance between us and the harm we are about to do, both to others and to ourselves.

In that second when we breathe, our thoughts become clearer, our heart rate slows, empathy emerges, and compassion takes over.

After taking that breath, we realize that the situation was not as threatening as we feared, is not as terrible as we thought, and that we can get through it without anyone getting hurt.

One second, one breath, will spare us the bitter taste left in our mouths after reacting to a situation that called for our response, our best solution, rather than our reaction.

“Breathing is the bridge that connects life to consciousness, that unites your body with your thoughts.”

Thich Nhat Hanh

The Closet of Prejudice

Sun, 04 Apr 2021 08:39:00 GMT

When we are children, our brains, hungry for knowledge, begin to fill with all the information we will need in life. This information is already shaped by the teachings we receive from our parents, but above all by the patterns imposed on us by the society we live in.

Many of us accept this information as fixed while we are still children, as something that will remain with us forever. But the moment we begin to develop the ability to discern for ourselves, it ceases to be immutable and becomes a choice.

Cultures and societies show us realities according to their rules and restrictions. In many countries, it is still a crime to be different, to have a different skin color, different features, to love in a different way… They turn you into a “black sheep” for breaking the pattern that a few dictated and many followed.

Come out of the closet of prejudice. If you see that all the conditioning society has imposed on you is erasing your true self, come out of the closet. It is all right to be different, it is all right to think differently, it is all right to dance as you cross the street, it is all right to love differently, it is all right to be authentic and spontaneous. It is all right to be you.

Be kind to yourself, care for yourself, love yourself—without forgetting to love and respect others. Come out of the closet and let your true self out: the one who laughs, dances, sings, has fun, the one who is happy. You may not see it now, but you are setting a good example for those who want to come out of the closet of prejudice just as much as you do, but still hesitate a little for fear of what people will say.

You are unique, you are special. Come out of the closet of prejudice and show the world your full capacity to love. I am sure you will thank yourself for it.

“Anyone who has destroyed a prejudice, even a single prejudice, is a benefactor of humanity.”

Nicolas Chamfort

Accepting NO

Sun, 21 Mar 2021 11:03:00 GMT

When someone tells you NO, most of the time it is neither a rejection nor an insult. It is a sign that your route is being redirected, like a GPS. They are telling you that this is not the right time, the right place, or the right person.

We need to know how to listen to the NOs we receive in life. Our ego ignores those two simple letters, which have the power to take us into the deepest pit if we let our ego lead us.

When someone tells us NO, they are sending a signal that there is something better for us at this moment, but we are unable to see it because we are caught up in what we have in mind.

When someone tells us NO, they are helping us consider other options we had not thought of at first.

When someone tells us NO, they are inviting us to be creative and look for other ways to achieve our goals.

Sometimes life says NO to certain paths we take, certain people we choose, certain plans we make. It is a very subtle way of saying: we have something better for you, we know you deserve better, but you have to believe it to see NO as an opportunity rather than a frustration.

When you are driving and come across a blocked street with a roadworks sign and a diversion, are you going to insist on continuing down the closed street? No, right? Do not insist on pushing past the NOs you meet along the way. There is surely a danger ahead that you are being warned about, one you cannot see from where you are now. And this is just one small example of how NOs work.

Let us learn to hear NO as an opportunity, as the beginning of an adventure, as a spark to stimulate our creativity. The NOs you accept willingly will keep you away from the setbacks that the NOs you selfishly refuse to accept will bring.

“What you accept transforms you; what you deny subjugates you.”

Carl Jung

A Letter to the Parents of a Child Who Keeps Asking Why

Sun, 14 Mar 2021 12:21:00 GMT

Dear Dad and Mom,

When I grow up, I want to be like you. That is why I ask why so often. I want to learn; I need to understand how the world around me works, how things work. Why does one person act one way and others another? Why do some people dislike soup when I love it? And if I ask you, it is because I trust you, because I know that just as you gave me life, you will give me all the answers I need. That is why I come to you with my whys. If you shut me down, if you say, “Because I say so,” “Here you go again with your questions,” or “I don’t know,” with no intention of finding the answer, you let me down. I will still love you just as much, but I will look for those answers somewhere else, because my questions have not been answered by the people I believed in most in the world: you. The answers I find elsewhere may not be the most suitable ones, but they will satisfy my curiosity for the moment. In the future, I will ask you fewer and fewer questions, not because my curiosity has faded—no, my curiosity will remain intact—but because I will already have found the answers outside our home.

If you want to give me the tools I need to deal with the problems of today and tomorrow, be patient with me. Look deep within your subconscious for the answers you would have liked to receive when you were little and faced situations you did not understand. That way, you will strengthen my confidence, nourish my curiosity, and give me everything I need to work out my own answers to the whys I have now and those still to come.

Because I love you with all my heart.

P.S. This letter is addressed to all those parents I have come across in life who unknowingly clip their children’s wings by being unable to answer their whys. That was not my experience: when my parents did not know something, they looked it up or made it up, just so I would stop asking questions, even for a little while.

“Humor and curiosity are the purest form of intelligence.”

Roberto Bolaños

The Simplicity of Happiness

Sun, 07 Mar 2021 09:00:00 GMT

When we were little, most of us saw it as a punishment when Mom or Dad asked us to tidy our rooms. To us, it was a waste of time; in our tiny world, it took up unnecessary space in our schedule of fun. Sadly, very few of us were taught that, for example, doing simple tasks responsibly can also bring us happiness.

Here is a small example. At home, as in any home, after washing and drying the clothes, we have to fold them. Many people consider folding laundry a very simple but rather tedious activity. To counter the reluctance this task provoked, I would suggest the following technique to my niece: we would collect the clothes together and take them to the bed, our designated battlefield. Once there, each of us would go to her corner, her safe zone, and within seconds the countdown would begin: 3, 2, 1… for the Battle of the Flying Clothes. Once the battle began, socks, trousers, T-shirts, and the occasional pillow would fly… and after thirty seconds, we had to fold all the clothes left in our safe zone. Of course, the battle would go on for a few more rounds. In the end, the two of us would finish folding the laundry amid plenty of laughter and fun, much faster than if we had tried doing it the traditional way.

In tedious tasks, we need to look for—“the bright side” is such a cliché—I would say, the fun. If you can have fun while doing work you do not enjoy—not all of us are fortunate enough to do work we love—you will have found one of the secrets of happiness, and you will be practicing for the time when you get to do work you do enjoy.

Having fun while working is not a sign of unfinished work; it is a sign that you are enjoying what you do to the fullest.

In the workplace, this is generally something most companies forbid. Many see it as a sign of a lack of commitment and professionalism. What a pity for those who never laughed at flying socks in childhood, or had someone teach them to enjoy what they do and be happy while doing it. Those who think they are so “professional and committed” put off true happiness until later, believing they can be absolutely certain there will be a later.

Happiness is simple; it is a decision. It means choosing to make the most of everything we have today, everything we are today, everything we do today. Happiness is enjoying every moment, every breath, every sigh. And if you are still not convinced that something so simple can make you happy, I invite you to spend a few seconds underwater and, when you feel you cannot hold your breath any longer, return to the surface. That first gulp of air will remind you that the main ingredient in the recipe for happiness is something so simple you have always taken it for granted: being able to breathe.

“If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance ahead of you.”

Andrea Boydston

Lessons from Nature: Leadership

Sun, 04 Oct 2020 09:42:00 GMT

During a conversation with two friends while we were in traffic, the subject of leadership came up. Opinions were divided between whether leadership is learned and whether we are born with the ability to lead. Although I partly agreed with each of my friends, I leaned more toward innate leadership. Just as the discussion reached its most heated point, the traffic slowed and the Duck family made an appearance. Right in front of us, an adult duck stepped into the road and stopped in a defiant stance. Silence fell inside the car, and a couple of seconds later, just over ten ducklings began hurrying across behind him. But who was at the end of the line of ducklings? Another adult duck, slightly smaller than the one stopping traffic, making sure every duckling crossed without mishap.

The three of us were astonished by the scene unfolding before us, and surely the drivers in the other cars were too. The larger duck, whom we will call Daddy Duck, stepped into the road, made sure there was no danger, and signaled to the second adult duck that it was safe to let all the ducklings cross. Once they were all well on their way, the second adult duck brought up the rear. A few seconds after that duck had finished crossing, Daddy Duck looked both ways to make sure everyone had crossed, rejoined the group, and they all continued on their way.

We were impressed by the lesson nature had just given us. Between our surprise and the laughter that came from watching Daddy Duck challenge the cars, we realized that yes, although leadership can be strengthened through hard work, some people—in this case, Daddy Duck—are born with the qualities needed to lead, just as we had witnessed in nature. What made Daddy Duck a leader in the fullest sense? He cared about his team, guided them, communicated effectively with them, knew their strengths, and made the most of them. He is responsible, sets goals and objectives and makes sure everyone reaches them, relies on his team, and radiates assurance and confidence. In short, he is an example to follow.

Daddy Duck is also an example for those of us outside his group. He does not go through life trying to show everyone that he is a leader, that he possesses the absolute truth, and that everyone has to be like him. Daddy Duck simply is. He cares for his own and makes the right decisions so everyone can achieve their goals—in this case, crossing the road in the middle of traffic. Daddy Duck has no idea of the life lesson we have just received thanks to him.

Let us be a little more like Daddy Duck. We do not need grand actions to change the world. Small actions change our world, and through our example we change the world of others.

“Wild ducks follow the leader of their flock because of the way it flies, not the force of its quacking.”

Chinese proverb

When Your Free Will Is No Longer Yours, It Is No Longer Free

Sun, 27 Sep 2020 10:08:00 GMT

What is free will? It is the ability each of us has to make decisions. As simple as that. But what happens when our free will is influenced by someone else? It is no longer free, because it is conditioned by the other person’s wishes. It is no longer our decision; now it is someone else’s decision acting through us. One way or another, these people get us to do what they want out of their desire to control and always be right, and often without realizing it, we give in to their wishes to avoid any kind of conflict.

These habitual manipulators, who live with terror in their veins at the thought of situations slipping out of their control, often plant ideas in us that go against our principles, and we allow them to take a certain degree of control over our lives for fear that they will become angry or that we will make them feel bad.

But who knows better than we do what is good for us? Let me give you an example. Some time ago, a “friend of a friend” went out with a young man who was very kind, attentive, helpful, and affectionate. He was certainly very courteous toward her, but although they talked a lot and very often, something deep inside her would not let her go beyond a simple friendship, despite his insistence. The relationship stayed that way for just under six months. Very early in this “friendship,” however, they went to a restaurant, where she ran into a friend she had not seen for a long time. They chatted for a while, exchanged phone numbers, and that was that.

A couple of months later, her relationship with this young man was still in the same place, because something deep inside her would not let her go any further. She receives a call from that friend, inviting her to have coffee together. She accepts. This friend had arranged the meeting to reproach her over their “mutual friend.” He had been in a relationship with the woman who was now confronting her—a relationship that began when he got hold of her number at the restaurant—and had cheated on her with a neighbor. It is worth pointing out that when the coffee meeting happened, the young man was still insisting on a romantic relationship with my friend. You may be wondering: where am I going with all this? What would have happened if she had ignored her intuition when it told her there was something about him she did not like, though she did not yet know what it was? What if she had given in to his wishes and overridden her own will to do what he wanted? She would have been caught in a romantic entanglement involving four people, hardly advisable for any of us.

Let us pay more attention to our intuition; let us listen in the silences to what it wants to tell us. Most of the time, it will steer us away from danger, conflict, or any uncomfortable situation about to unfold. Let us make decisions guided by it. Surely it knows better what is good for us than those outsiders who trample over us, negate us, underestimate us, and wear down our will to feed their egos and make us part of the entourage they gather in their desire to control.

Giving in to someone’s wishes when something deep inside tells you no means overriding your own will.

“Man tends to hide his own free will behind his supposed weakness of will.”

Viktor Emil Frankl

The Comfort Zone vs. the Safe Zone

Sun, 20 Sep 2020 11:00:00 GMT

When I was at university, I lived in several student residences. One of them, for women only, was run by an older couple, between sixty and seventy, who initially seemed perfectly ordinary. The woman, whom we will call Doña Luisa, was very sweet to all the girls. The man, whom we will call Don Luis, was a retired lawyer who seemed a little serious but quite polite. At least, that was my first impression.

A week after I arrived, I ran into one of the other girls as I was leaving for university. Almost under her breath, she asked whether I had heard someone crying in the early hours of the morning. I came home from training so tired that I could barely hear my alarm in the mornings, but her remark stayed with me, and a couple of nights later I paid closer attention.

In fact, that night I did not need to listen very carefully. Doña Luisa had agreed with one of the girls that she could come home a little later and that she would open the door for her without Don Luis finding out. We had very strict hours for coming and going. That night, as Doña Luisa returned to her room after opening the door for the girl at midnight, Don Luis’s fist was waiting for her without mercy. A couple of screams, followed by crying and sobbing, brought the one-sided dispute to an end.

The next morning, when I went to the kitchen for breakfast, I found Doña Luisa with the wrinkled skin of her face turned purple. I asked her, “Doña Luisa, why do you let Don Luis mistreat you?” She replied, “My dear, what am I going to do? At this age, what can I do now? He has always been like this. At least I have everything I need, and I only have to put up with these things ‘once in a while.’ Otherwise, he is good to me.” After that answer, I could find nothing more to say.

Doña Luisa had made a choice long before I came into her life. Long ago, she had decided that her comfort zone was more important than her safe zone. Doña Luisa lacks nothing; she has everything, but she does not have herself.

Your comfort zone is not necessarily the place where you are happy. Generally, your comfort zone is where you believe you have everything you need, regardless of the abuse, mistreatment, and humiliation you have to endure. It is the place where phrases such as “at least I have…,” “at least he…,” and “at least she…” live.

But how do we distinguish the comfort zone from the safe zone? The safe zone is where you feel confident in yourself, in who you are, in what you have achieved. That is why I call it the Safe Zone. It is the place where you can be yourself without prejudice or insecurities; where you feel happy with yourself and with others, where you have peace, where you feel more creative. It holds everything that excites you, that makes your heart beat faster, where you know that even if this state lasts only a few seconds, the feeling stays with you permanently. That is your safe zone, where you encounter the true power with which you were created.

Can your safe zone coincide with your comfort zone? Of course, but not always. Only you can tell where one ends and the other begins, or whether they overlap.

Make use of the moments you have to yourself—in the shower, out running, walking the dog, before going to sleep… you do not need to sit in the lotus position to meditate—and remember when you have felt you were in your safe zone. Re-create that feeling; if you cannot remember it, create it. Use your imagination and seek your safe zone: that is what we call leaving your comfort zone. If your safe zone is outside your comfort zone, go after it. You have no idea what you will feel when you are there. And if you do not yet know where it is, create it with all the strength of your heart. There you will reconnect with that creative, immeasurable being you seem to have forgotten.

“The comfort zone is the great enemy of creativity; moving beyond it requires intuition, which in turn shapes new perspectives and overcomes fears.”

Dan Stevens

Celebrate Yourself

Sun, 13 Sep 2020 11:00:00 GMT

What is a celebration? It is a moment of joy and delight to mark a goal achieved, an event, or something very important to us. Often, we invent a celebration as an excuse to get together with family and friends and celebrate something together. The aim: to have a good time, enjoy ourselves, laugh, and remind ourselves how much we mean to one another.

Yes, in most situations, that is what we would call a celebration: sharing time together and celebrating what we consider great occasions. But what if we celebrated the big events, and the small ones even more? What if we also reminded ourselves every day how important and valuable we are?

Everyday life is full of small victories that make up those great occasions. The small achievements we accomplish each day deserve a celebration too. Little achievements such as not burning the rice while cooking today—that deserves a celebration in my book. That neighbor you like so much—she looks at you and says good morning. To me, that calls for a huge celebration. The code you have been writing compiling without errors: that deserves a celebration. That piece of equipment you were repairing working on the first try, or the second… as long as it works, that is a tremendous cause for celebration.

Celebrate the way your mother did when she saw you take your first steps or when you said “Mom” to her for the first time. Celebrate yourself, sing, dance, congratulate yourself, aloud or in your head. Recognize how good you are: you will brighten your day. As you realize your own worth, you will develop the habit of celebrating yourself daily and reminding yourself that you do deserve all the good things happening to you. That is what life is made of: small celebrations that nourish our hearts.

Celebrate every little triumph you have during the day. Go over them before you go to sleep, celebrate them again in your mind, and go to bed with the feeling that you have reached a new level through small moments. In this way, you will train your mind and your heart so that when you see small achievements in others, you can celebrate together and spread that joy to those secret “admirers” who are watching you, waiting to see you fail.

“There are only two ways to live life. One is as though nothing were a miracle. The other is as though everything were a miracle.”

Albert Einstein